(in Nov)

Must I work like a miner
extracting meaning from unappealing interactions?
Stepping out is hard; I feel flawed.

(today)
Savouring the meaning of lonely
Letting it swirl about the glass of self-esteem
Sniffing at it with poetic curiosity
Bristly tastebuds embracing it

-

I dno why, I can't find anyone in the lit cohort (i have the same problem for my elective too actually) to associate with (note the impersonal tone) at all.
I feel so undesirable/unwanted when I'm in school.
So I just immerse myself in my company of friends from yesteryear.

-

...The third kind of loneliness is avoiding unnecessary activities. When we're lonely in a "hot" way, we look for something to save us; we look for a way out. We get this queasy feeling that we call loneliness, and our minds just go wild trying to come up with companions to save us from despair. That's called unnecessary activity. It's a way of keeping ourselves busy so we don't have to feel any pain. It could take the form of obsessively daydreaming of true romance, or turning a tidbit of gossip into the six o'clock news, or even going off by ourselves into the wilderness.

The point is that in all these activities, we are seeking companionship in our usual, habitual way, using our same old repetitive ways of distancing ourselves from the demon loneliness. Could we just settle down and have some compassion and respect for ourselves? Could we stop trying to escape from being alone with ourselves? What about practicing not jumping and grabbing when we begin to panic? Relaxing with loneliness is a worthy occupation. As the Japanese poet Ryokan says, "If you want to find the meaning, stop chasing after so many things."

 I'm guilty of this. Didn't realise it'd be a Buddhist concept. Food for thought.