So when you ask "Is something wrong?"
I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now." - Tiny Vessels, Death Cab for Cutie

"I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer..."
- Transatlanticism, Death Cab For Cutie

"Most people never find a love
Most people never find a love"
- The Shadowlands, Ryan Adams

Both got to me.
In the former, he sang the line for 12 times
singing along, with each repetition, the ache of missing something gets stronger and feels realer
but he doesn't get any closer to the person
the words add up but they go nowhere, they don't construct a bridge between the two.
he just seems more desperate
but tender.
The latter it sounds so common but. (foreboding? matter-of-fact? regret? bleh)

"Do you realize,
That everyone you know someday will die
And instead of saying all of your goodbyes
Let them know you realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun doesn't go down
Its just an illusion caused by the world spinnin' round"
- Do You Realize, The Postal Service

A reward for the few who visits here x)

News that i think is useful/good:

Issues to do with influx of immigrants...social integration. Good for human geog migration.
Islamic school proposal ignites fury in Australia

***
Been blissfully bland, or otherwise there're stuff that are frustratingly inexpressible. Not too impt tho, or I would have died trying.

She who is not ready for life is already dying...

To live a life so worthwhile
you're ready for death at any moment.

Just plunge into the deep of it.

Geog trip

Day 1 - 24.05.08, Kuantan

Study of basalt at Telok Hitam





Study of granite outcrop at Telok Chempedak Beach










25.05.08, Kuantan

Study of granite weathering processes and features at abandoned quarry







Panching (limestone) Caves






Panching Waterfalls

26.05.08, KL (aka the day i got punk'd)

Telecomms tower

For the whole day no one wished me happy bday
meanwhile, at the back of my mind plays part of the song "Mad World":

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday

A life-affirming occasion and no one cared to remember. Felt like shit but the pain was numbed by my resolution to shrink away.

Then at night, after our nightly briefings (i dozed off at this one), they sprang the surprise on me.
Even the teachers were in on it: they ordered e cakes fr Secret Recipe. I heart their Choc Indulgence

Wanlin and Vivien are so sweet they make me diabetic. Can't thank them enough.

27.05.08, Tanjong Karang

Visit to padi field and milling factory

While the rest were snapping away at the padi fields i stayed in the bus
denying myself direct contact, admiring the way things of nature swayed to the breeze.
Conceptualised, and eventually finished this:

Undocumented change

Lost enough self-worth
Gained enough self-consciousness
to not want myself immortalised against backdrops of beauty

Am not everywhere.

Behind the viewfinder once
To cherish what time is ravaging
No conceding smile for the camera, which could be foe.
Each version is lost to myself
Nothing but the vague to remember life by.

Your experience united by an entity
which in turn is built on experience -
Which came first?

Missing from moments when you were awed
They could have been taken from the Net.

You can't construct anything.

the worst of ct is over now
was busy battling myself, the procrastinator who cannot peel herself away from the glare of the tv
when i finally do succeed, the sleepyhead finds ALL sorts of excuses to sleep (oh, i'll wake up early tmr...my sis had to nag me when my alarm clock wakes US up)
and i have a bad memory to boot.

***

just now while doing some last-min cramming at e squash court
despite the stress fr the impending doom of the geog paper,
i smiled to myself (oh the non-hysterical kinda smile) when i heard Michael Buble sing "you're the getaway car" in Everything on radio
that appealed to my escapist tendency i guess

***

trying to find your vulnerability
so i can hurt you
in the exquisite way those before me did
acquiring realisation of the wonders of a life i don't lead

a perfect mould of fruitful struggle
or daily days that read like i get to feel the breeze every double decker noon-evening
if i venture out, back into the world
i ran away from
to read about here

asked myself if i really wanted to stop trying to blog lengthily, like i used to

now i realise all that was out of wanting ppl to understand me
to describe myself, to voice myself out, to put those thoughts floating ard, those feelings dragging me down, to words
ready for ppl's consumption.

if i were to continue blogging
now and then will be different
in the past i'll be blogging to satisfy myself, and provide updates for others (assumption that ppl cared)
now, now that i know no one cares much, it'll become a silent plea for others to come, be interested in me.
and what will be the point? of hving ppl 'understand' you through your blog
are ppl meant to be understood? can a person even understand him/herself?

now i've given up on thinking i'll have friendship
it'll be so easy
if i just list down the ways ppl frustrated me / let me down by my definition
so tempting to point fingers and be done with it.
but no one is responsible for me other than myself so i shouldn't expect anything
or maybe expecting is natural
but expect to be disappointed too.

i feel i'm increasingly further from where i should be

i wanted to lose myself in the noise of good rock songs
but getting drunk on melancholic guitar songs will do, tho it's more painful

ah, the melodrama.

so what's with the impulse of wanting to write for an audience?
i'm learning to write for myself, in a place where only i can see.

***

even if a person hasn't been good
even if you can't tolerate a person's behaviour
you shouldn't react to the person in a generally intolerable manner
you should give the person a chance
everyone's capable of reform
if you treat the person badly
what's the odds of the person changing for the better?

i recall sp's lesson on weds
she pointed out an incident
someone secretly writing "noob" for a wrong question on a person's test paper
aft her recount some ppl laughed out loud; i don't understand that response
even if the comment was meant as a joke (ha-ha)
what made the person do it?
it's this mean motivation, along with the deliberate anonymity (which i take for cowardly maliciousness) that aggravates me.
and reacting the way i did, not thinking it's funny, doesn't mean i'm sensitive abt marks. Not particularly.

***

If you can't see clearly, it says "Man's hand crushed by printing machine in factory accident" followed by "Growing a finger", a technology that sllows regrowth of limbs
erm it's pure coincidence that the two were side by side. So thot i should comment on it.

***

like a song whose lyrics i can't wait to know
i search your face now for clues (you might be wondering...)
before the webpage loads
i should look/listen harder
impose my fantasies on you
- innocence like shining truth in your eyes, a smile to melt, big warm hands flapping (round and round to burn the last of your fuel) then landing on my shoulder

better to dream for yourself

maybe i'll pull an alt-f4 on you

you just want someone to run away with
escapism seems realer with a companion
all-surrounding like a bubble shield
cloaked in the abandonment of two who're ready

***

from now on i'll still post such stuff here i guess
condensed way of saying whatever i wna say
you can just treat them as non-repetitive song lyrics, takes the pressure off any need for artistic value.