asked myself if i really wanted to stop trying to blog lengthily, like i used to

now i realise all that was out of wanting ppl to understand me
to describe myself, to voice myself out, to put those thoughts floating ard, those feelings dragging me down, to words
ready for ppl's consumption.

if i were to continue blogging
now and then will be different
in the past i'll be blogging to satisfy myself, and provide updates for others (assumption that ppl cared)
now, now that i know no one cares much, it'll become a silent plea for others to come, be interested in me.
and what will be the point? of hving ppl 'understand' you through your blog
are ppl meant to be understood? can a person even understand him/herself?

now i've given up on thinking i'll have friendship
it'll be so easy
if i just list down the ways ppl frustrated me / let me down by my definition
so tempting to point fingers and be done with it.
but no one is responsible for me other than myself so i shouldn't expect anything
or maybe expecting is natural
but expect to be disappointed too.

i feel i'm increasingly further from where i should be

i wanted to lose myself in the noise of good rock songs
but getting drunk on melancholic guitar songs will do, tho it's more painful

ah, the melodrama.

so what's with the impulse of wanting to write for an audience?
i'm learning to write for myself, in a place where only i can see.

***

even if a person hasn't been good
even if you can't tolerate a person's behaviour
you shouldn't react to the person in a generally intolerable manner
you should give the person a chance
everyone's capable of reform
if you treat the person badly
what's the odds of the person changing for the better?

i recall sp's lesson on weds
she pointed out an incident
someone secretly writing "noob" for a wrong question on a person's test paper
aft her recount some ppl laughed out loud; i don't understand that response
even if the comment was meant as a joke (ha-ha)
what made the person do it?
it's this mean motivation, along with the deliberate anonymity (which i take for cowardly maliciousness) that aggravates me.
and reacting the way i did, not thinking it's funny, doesn't mean i'm sensitive abt marks. Not particularly.

***

If you can't see clearly, it says "Man's hand crushed by printing machine in factory accident" followed by "Growing a finger", a technology that sllows regrowth of limbs
erm it's pure coincidence that the two were side by side. So thot i should comment on it.

***

like a song whose lyrics i can't wait to know
i search your face now for clues (you might be wondering...)
before the webpage loads
i should look/listen harder
impose my fantasies on you
- innocence like shining truth in your eyes, a smile to melt, big warm hands flapping (round and round to burn the last of your fuel) then landing on my shoulder

better to dream for yourself

maybe i'll pull an alt-f4 on you

you just want someone to run away with
escapism seems realer with a companion
all-surrounding like a bubble shield
cloaked in the abandonment of two who're ready

***

from now on i'll still post such stuff here i guess
condensed way of saying whatever i wna say
you can just treat them as non-repetitive song lyrics, takes the pressure off any need for artistic value.