Is this the person you want to be?

That's the question that stayed with me after the sharing session by ppl from a hospice.

This life...
It is all i have

***

Can't blog like i used to. so yeah
i think if i really do reflect it's better to do it offline
rather than trying to craft my words only to press backspace and so on again.
feels more like i'm playing with words more than anything else.

I think only two types of ppl can enthusiastically blog a lot:
1) the observant
2) the self-obsessed
I think i belonged to group 2. But now i don't see much of a self to obsess about.

i really don't see the point in my blogging.

your heart is a river
that flows from your chest
through every organ
your brain is the dam
i am the fish
can't reach the core.

- Lightness, Death cab for cutie

***

BLAH

Some advocates of the utilitarian principle were quick to suggest that the ultimate aim of NU would be to engender the quickest and least painful method of killing the entirety of humanity, as this ultimately would effectively minimize suffering. NU would seem to call for the destruction of the world even if only to avoid the pain of a pinprick - Wikipedia article on Utilitarianism

What a scary yet fascinating concept.

***

I've always liked straylight run's existentialism on prom night for its line 'sing like you think no one's listening' (and also 'this delicate balance/vulnerable/all-knowing')

and then, upon watching the rerun of my lovely samsoon (2 hrs of sunday afternoon, now can you imagine how productive my weekend is?)
i realised that line most probably came fr here:

" Sing like nobody's listening,
Live like it's Heaven on Earth,
Work like you don't need money,
Love like you've never been hurt,
And dance like no one's watching."

It's by someone called Alfred D Souza.

***

'Here I go, scream my lungs out trying to get to you...
I'll let go, but there's no one, no one like you" - Only one, Yellowcard

(yeah it sounds cliched, but i like it, esp the screaming lungs)

***

teach me how not to form crushes on ppl whose intelligence i admire

***

"If you feel embarrassed, I'll be your pride." - Passenger seat, Ben gibbard

"Every time I'm without you I'm a mess." - I caught fire, The used

***



Sth i drew w paint
thought it might reflect my inner thoughts or sth
anw it was unplanned
and the red triangle represents change
and the river w the load and the turbulent flow currents is me trying to shed off some of the phy geog info overload

it might seem childish
but ain't i, to start w

***

There are some scenarios in everyday life that start to probe at human nature
throw important tests at us
and it'll be terrible if we fail

like yesterday on the train a pregnant woman stood
her swollen tummy was hidden from view from the other sitting passengers cos she was standing sideways
i saw one seated woman (could she have been reading the Bible?) directly beside her look up and sheepishly look down again
finally when the swollen tummy was no longer hidden from view
one guy gave up his seat
phew.

***

Imagine one day you sit on a bus
and a random kid, asleep, starts to lean on your arm
then her head slips
and her face collapses on your (inner) elbow
and her mouth is touching your elbow
what would you do?
i saw a woman faced w that dilemma today
she tried once to do sth abt it.
she didn't try to wake the girl up
rather, she tried to shift the girl's head to the original position - on her arm
that didn't work
so she just put up w it.
she seemed so motherly somehow.
towards the end, when that random kid's friend tried to wake her friend up without much success, she gave a sweet smile.

seriously if it were me, i'll try to do whatever it takes to wake the kid up

***

Today during lit lesson the class had to think about the roles of butchers and policemen in our society
people offered food for the butcher
for me the butcher helps me do the dirty work
the violence involved in killing then cutting up the meat (i'm assuming pig) int civilised pieces, such that it's unidentifiable, bloody but only slightly
you get to escape that savagery that goes with killing and dealing with the inescapable fact that you're dealing with an animal
[i know, becos i don't take fish with heads intact. (i much prefer fillets)
it's hypocritical and delusional i know.]

i might have offered that point
except i didn't want her to grill me

***

you won't like me
cos you know of better girls
if you do like me now
you'll change your mind cos you will know better girls

***

Ritual killings in Gabon in Africa

veering off the path of sanity
like a dim daydream
a cloud over your brains
and it's blabbering
fantasize about doing the wrongest things
social code's your restraint, a flimsy leash
tug a few times more and...

Reducing yourself helps thinking clearly.

Browsing through a website w ppl sharing their life lessons when i saw the above sentence which is very fitting for yesterday (i'm blogging at 6.30 in the morning - woke up at 2 sth after a very long sleep) when pw results were announced.
i got a b. hopefully it won't disadvantage me TOO much in trying to get into my desired uni course (which is what, may i ask)
it was way better than what i expected anw.
it's the rxn of the ppl who got a that is more interesting
i rmb a friend saying luckily i didn't get less than an a at the peak of her ecstasy. (if my ears didn't fail me)
i feel a little appalled, frankly.
is that insensitive to those who 'unluckily' got less than an a?
but then, one shouldn't forget that she was so happy that she's already in her own world.
and i suppose she's entitled to it, the happiness.
so it's not up to me to take it personally.
reducing yourself is the key.

***

Went to the bank
they have a feedback system whereby the bank staff at the counter will request ppl to press one of the smiley buttons [ :) :/or :( ] at the end
one girl, fr a neighbourhood sch (you'll knw why i hv to specify later), was accompanying her friend.
out of "curiosity" she pressed the button (i assume the :( one)
and got scolded by the bank staff
the girl retorted, sth along the lines of "why can't i...out of fun" in a rowdy way
her friend told her to go off and wait for him somewhere else out of annoyance
and the girl said "i don't care for this (accompanying) business anw" and stormed out of the bank, cursing
and the guy cursed her back as farewell
all under the eyes and within hearing shot of the public (i saw an auntie shaking her head)
this leaves me wondering, why do ppl w better academic results seem tamer and naturally practise more courteousness (to replace civility - a concept that gets more alien as we progress through Heart of Darkness) than some (some, not all) others w lacklustre results who don't see anything wrong w hurling vulgarities and behaving rowdily. (i have a close brush with becoming this way actually - in lower pri and lower sec [tho i'm really q well-behaved in lower sec save the unwarranted vulgarities i spew out thoughtlessly. i must assure you, there was v lil variety xP i sound desperate in minimizing damage])
is it a matter of education (and the discipline that comes along w it) that conditions the students?
students who perform better have more respect for the sch system than those who don't, right (this is assuming their performance are determined more by the amount of effort put in rather than natural ability. so let's just say i'm referring to those bo chap ones)

or is it a matter of nature, and it just so happens that those rowdy characteristics are more commonly found in that certain group.
or maybe ppl w better academic results just express their incivility under other guises, like backstabbing etc?

on the other hand, i feel timid cos i don't dare to do anything less than acceptable cos education has instilled in me a sense of political correctness (which isn't really good i know) and a fear of institution.
this feedback system is so open that i won't dare to give anything less than a :)

***

on the bus i was thinking "hmm...there's a $10 note in my wallet, what can I use it to pamper myself with?" since there's now a label to that horrible experience aka pw. it's SEALED.
so i decided on a haircut

back to back
on that grass field wet with dew again
the angle of our heads somehow matters to me
are our eyes downcast?
our hands twiddling the grass
twisting the blades around fingers like suggestive phonecords
or up
and away, trying to latch onto the interplanetary bodies, never to come back again?

our silence is filled with more than what we can say

***

so cool