"To feel today was what one felt yesterday isn't to feel - it's to remember today what was felt yesterday, to be today's living corpse of what yesterday was lived and lost." - Fernando Pessoa (Portuguese poet)

This is love: to fly upward
toward the endless heavens.
To rend a hundred veils at every moment.
- excerpt from Speak the language of birds, poet Rumi.

Will someone please call a surgeon
Who can crack my ribs and repair this broken heart
That you're deserting for better company
I can't accept that it's over...
And I will block the door like a goalie tending the net
In the third quarter of a tied-game rivalry

So just say how to make it right
And I swear I'll do my best to comply

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

I feel i must interject here...
You're getting carried away feeling sorry for yourself
With these revisions and gaps in history
So let me help you remember.
I've made charts and graphs that should finally make it clear.
I've prepared a lecture on why I have to leave
So please back away and let me go

I can't my darling I love you so...
But oh, oh...

Tell me am I right to think that there could be nothing better
Than making you my bride and slowly growing old together?

Don't you feed me lies about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures

I know that I have made mistakes and I swear
I'll never wrong you again

You've got allure I can't deny,
But you've had your chance so say goodbye
Say goodbye

- Nothing Better, The Postal Service

blue's guy, pink's girl

***

so now before the blinds come down for
a final time,
between the gap,
the closing gap,
open your gap.
tell us your story
summarise your life.
keep the essence
lose the details
blur the faces
who do you no good
unburn them from your eyeballs
peel off those people who pawed you
made convenient use of you and leave--
forget about those who forgot you
and those you remember for forgetting how to connect with them
remember time
but not its cruelty
remember love
how you tried to pass it
but the parcel was dropped to the ground
dare you admit they trampled on it
and with glee too?
anyhow - the proverbial squashed cake
lies desolate.

this blog's content is all gone
i in my forgetfulness (the alternate explanation is UNTHINKABLE) had deleted it
5 months' worth of life as I recall it
5 months' worth of confessions, revelations, reflections.
i feel drained/purged of my past
distanced from my past emotions
cos i can't go back to them anymore
this 5 months' period is officially a blank.

thank god i keep changing my url
so i lose only part of what i've been blogging since sec 1

but it's like...
some of e more exciting dvlpments in my life took place within these 5 mths
i can never get back the same exact feeling
cos i lost that very combi of words

i feel drained (repetition cos i didn't notice i already said that)
sth leaked out
i'm probably being melodramatic
but i bet you don't knw how much the blog means to me, personally.

oh well.
i felt like giving up on blogging entirely
but for now i'll back up e stuff that's really impt
as for blogging publicly...
is there a need for me to blog publicly?
how do i benefit fr it? how do others benefit fr it?
or is it merely a meaningless transfer of superfluous info abt a life that is better off unmentioned?

maybe i'll post sth in public only if i feel it is a general viewpt (derived fr personal experience) that is worth knowing?
and omit personal sentiments abt personal bits in life

if someone wants to know me better
talk to me in real life
if someone cares and wants updates on my life
keep in touch

i suppose there really is a need to move back to a diary-like lifestyle for personal stuff
a diary offline would be great if not for the fact that words come easier to me when i'm typing. and best of all it's correctable.
and it doesn't create a mass of papers in front abt some parts of e past which i am not prepared to confront every day. (i always get e urge to tear them out and get a fresh start everytime)

ok.

***

it's getting harder and harder to have a good conversation w anyone.
good meaning [in my case]
- interesting (momentum, can be sustained w/o much difficulty, engaging)
- comfortable and sincere (w/o hidden agendas, hidden prejudices, hidden motives)

saying that w a tinge of wistfulness, but nt w a lot of desire and want
like i can't wait to hv one soon.

i guess it's to do w how sometimes i really can't be bothered w others anymore
no more active nor personal interest in the person
cos the person may or may nt be worth it.
i think to be interested in someone you hv to want e person to be interested in you? or at least this act of being interested happens because you think the person overlaps with a part of your life, however remote that part is.
in other words you only observe sth that is relevant to yourself, even if it might not be useful.
do ppl observe closely to serve a function, to store that information away for future use?

i'm only interested in ppl i care abt (who, in turn, i think deserves care or who i think is good in nature)
or ppl who are so odd i just hv to knw abt them, just to satisfy my curiosity
or if knowing some part of this person will contribute to areas of knowledge that i'm interested in

then
if i've lost interest in others
have i become more interested in myself?
if not where did the interest go?

and i knw there's someone who's heading off in a dangerous direction, but i can't help her. and she doesn't seem to want much to do w me either.

life is s-c-r-e-w-e-d.

p.s. i just wrote all that in a way that sounds foreign to even myself.